Captain’s Log, Stardate um…what day is it? Monday? Thursday? Oh, who cares. We’re in space. I can make up the time. Let’s call it “Splurgsday”. Yeah, let’s go with that. Captain’s Log, Stardate Splurgsday the Eleventeenth. The Indestructible II has finally managed to make it to Space Montezuma’s Revenge but not without incident. We had to refuel and get more disposable suckers to man the ship but we started out fine. Until we didn’t. It wasn’t exactly a cakewalk. Because, you know, the cake is a lie. Or something.
The Orion Trail is a bitch. She must hate me for some reason. Perhaps it’s running the ship with the brake on and exhausting toxic fumes into space. Or maybe it’s because I stood her up that one night at the Space Bar. Anyway, we ran afoul of too many problems on our quest to make it to the next leg of the journey but the important thing is that we made it. Right? I’ll get the computer to fill out the casualty report. I’m busy off getting my body and brain massaged at the starbase.
After just embarking on our trek through the stars we were hit by what my doctor called “Ry’lehan Fever”. There were tentacles everywhere. It was disgusting. Took nearly half of my gibbering crew too. I hope this “Cthulhu” asshole’s happy. Now who’s going to run the coffee pot in the morning? Maybe I should have actually had him look at it instead of telling everyone to mind their own business and do their jobs.
Next we decided to check out a planet ran by a zombie with jheri-curls calling themselves “Pop Zombies”. It’s obvious that they’re a few centuries behind the times. Who in their right minds wears gloves on only one hand? At least they seemed cool to the officer and meat shields I sent down there. We did manage to get some more fuel from them after proving our worth as badass dancers. At least that’s what the survivors told me. I have my suspicions that they’re not telling the truth.
After some time braving the perils and prejudices of the Orion Trail I decided that a pit stop was in order as we noticed the most splendiforous Omega Mart Superstore off our port bow. Or was it aft stern? I’ll have to ask our helmsman next time I see him. Unable to contain my crew we set forth inside the planetoid size ship to fill our stores with savings. Unfortunately, we ended up using up most of our fuel to move around on that chain store. At least we got what we came for.
After a long and harrowing journey we managed to limp our battered and bruised ship to the starbase at the end. We had lost most of the crew, the chief engineer managing to patch up the gaping holes in the hull with duct tape, chewing gum, and a whole lot of praying but we made it. Most of the guys were expendable anyway. That’s why I gave them all red shirts. Because I bought them in bulk at the mega mall. The important thing is that I made it without a scratch. Now for a well deserved rest then it’s on to the next leg of the journey of the Orion Trail. I just hope I don’t run into Baxxstar again. That guy’s a douche.