Cats are shit. Whereas dogs offer love and companionship, cats only produce scratches, fur balls, and misery. These are well-known, scientifically proven facts. Yet for some reason, people insist on owning these creatures. Think of all the good that could come in the world if people stopped owning them as pets, and instead treated them as the wild animals they are.

The Ethics of Owning Cats as Pets

Since the dawn of time, roughly 1669, humankind has been looking for ways to domesticate various animals of various descriptions. Ones that were cute, others that were adorable, and even the rare, mythical good boys that seldom roamed the lands. Some questioned whether we should seek to tame these majestic beats, but when they looked into the eyes of a dog, a hamster, or a different dog, their hearts would met, and they would latch onto them with all their might.

Then came along Rusty Shackleford, and everything changed.

Nothing to Paw At

Often name dropped on the hit sometimes-comedy King of the Hill television show, Rusty Shackleford, or Rustford as his friends didn’t call him, dreamed of not owning a dog, or a hamster. He didn’t even fancy snakes or iguanas like Manly Men™. No, he desired something else… something more treacherous.

Shackington ventured into the wilds of New York City in 1812, and claimed ownership over a feral feline. He named the creature Mr. Tiddlywinks, in honor of his grandfather, and took it home. From that point forward, the creature would vomit up fur, scratch Rustic and all of his belongings, and refuse to be petted like a bad boy.

Yet, due to the evilness inside Tetanus’ heart, he enjoyed himself. He convinced others that cats were worthwhile creatures to own, and within a decade – which is only actually eight years long, don’t believe everything you read on the internet – half of the United States owned cats.

From that day on, the world changed. No longer was the world a place free of pain and misery. The prior explosion of the good boy population was suddenly curbed as cats began ignoring their owners and eating their food. Epidemics broke out as the foul creatures shat inside plastic boxes inside people’s homes. That was another of Shack Rustleford’s devious schemes. The British invaded the United States later that year, in an effort to destroy the cat population before it could spread, but it was already too late.

Video Games

Oh, and if you want Macho Cat is in beta now. It’s a pet simulator with cats in it, and you can “Cat scrubbin, lots of scrubbin,” according to the developer. How exciting! It’s coming to iOS and Android in December 2017 if you’re interested.

About the Author

Josh Griffiths

Josh Griffiths is a writer and amateur historian. He has a passion for 3D platformers, narrative-driven games, and books. Josh is also Cliqist’s video producer. He’s currently working on his first novel, and will be doing so on and off for the next decade.

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